Sneaky Cinema

Here are three things that happened in my life recently:

1. I lost my job on May 18, so suddenly I had a lot of free time but not a lot of money
   
2. Mother Nature, that tricky bitch, handed us the rainiest summer ever-- meaning little of that free time was spent on the beach
3. I fell in crazy love with the whitest man ever, who hates the sun so much that he draws the shades and remains indoors should even the slightest ray shine through the clouds. As expected, someone who spends so much time indoors has easy access to bootleg movies

These three things combined to form a perfect storm, resulting in the Moviest Season of My Life. Between May 17 and today, I have seen more movies than I can count-- some even twice-- on DVD and in theaters.

I know what you're thinking-- movies are expensive! And the snacks- oy! How can someone so poor go to so many movies? And the answer is: I am very, very sneaky.

I learned to sneak into movies the summer of 2003 when my parents, who, after seeing Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday, hissed at me to "Keep up or meet us in the parking lot in two hours!" as they walked into Bend It Like Beckham after the first film ended. Two movies for the price of less than one-- my dad insisted on buying everyone, including me, a senior ticket. "These stupid kids don't look," he said when I asked him about it. "Here, put this candy in your pocket."

These are grown, respectful adults.

So, when I met John Moses, it seemed like kismet. Not only does he love the thrill of the movie sneak, but we encourage each other to try to achieve more with every subversive trip. After our initial outing to see Terminator Salvation followed by The Taking of Pelham 123, we needed more of a thrill. We snuck in lunch the next time, and the time after that we brought a banquet to last us through as many movies as our sore butts could handle. The pinnacle of our Sneaky Snack Subterfuge, the day we went to see Orphan and District 9, was when we snuck in the following:

1 20oz Diet Peach Snapple, 3 bottles of water, 1 Snapple, 1 homemade turkey wrap, 1 store bought roast beef and cheese sandwich on a kaiser roll, 2 meatballs with utensils, 1 pack dried mango, 1 bag Glenny's Soy Chips (cheddar flavor) and 6 homemade mini red velvet cupcakes.

With the aid of a large purse and John's baggy jeans, anything, it seemed, was possible. (See images.)






So now that I've had all the fun, I want to give a little back. I've done all the research to save you all of your precious time. Yes, you're welcome. Below, you'll find my reviews for some recent movies. SEE IT are movies that are good enough to actually buy a ticket for, SNEAK IT movies are okay for rental or sneaking into, and SKIP IT should be self explanatory. Keep up, here, I'm not going that fast.

Here's my disclaimer-- when it comes to movies, I'm no expert, but I'm definitely not short of opinions. Got your own? Leave it in the comments, people! You know I love to read that shit.


Julia's Sneaky Summer Movie List

Star Trek: I was never a Trekkie, but I did like Star Trek. Spock was cool, Bones was my favorite, and I really didn't give much of a crap about Captain Kirk. I thought this movie was well done-- you didn't have to be a die hard fan, but fans weren't disappointed. That said, John did have to use straws to illustrate the space-time continuum issue for me. SEE IT.

Crossing Over: This little ditty about illegal immigrants struggling in the US has an all-star cast, including Harrison Ford and Ashley Judd, whom I oddly love. I had no idea what to expect but was pretty riveted, and-- I know this sounds ridiculous-- but I really got a new perspective on immigration. One warning though- the part where Ray Liotta blackmails an aspiring Australian-born model and gets her to have anal sex with him is pretty freaking horrifying. SEE IT.

The Hangover: I think you've probably heard about this one. I saw it twice and definitely recommend it-- even seeing it again! There's a lot you miss the first time because you're trying not to wet your pants laughing. SEE IT.

The Proposal: John's Canadian, I love Ryan Reynolds and my dad loves Sandra Bullock so much that he calls her "Sandy," so I figured what the heck. It's cute but obviously ridiculously contrived, the whole thing would have been better if we weren't expected to believe this whole movie happened over one weekend. I wouldn't pay to see it again, and I'd only recommend renting it if you're insanely bored. SKIP IT.

Terminator Salvation: I loved the first Terminator, I think it should be something everyone sees. I know it's old and dated and girls always think it's a "guy" movie-- but it's not, it's just excellent. The second was lame-- why was Arnold now a "good" Terminator? Because he was more famous in the 1990s? It would have been better if he was bad. But Linda Hamilton had awesome arms and was totally inspiring, so I forgave it. I didn't even see the chick-Terminator installment of the series. That seemed like a desperate move. But this one, with Christian Bale, was really excellent. If anyone can do prequels, old verbally-abusive CB has proven with Batman Begins that he's your go-to guy. In this episode, we finally get to meet the adult John Connor and yeah, he's kind of a prick, but what do you expect when he's been told that he's going to save the world from psycho robots when he grows up? The dynamic of him meeting his dad is kind of insane, too. And the half Terminator guy- oh man, that was just awesome. I really liked it, and definitely recommend it if you're a fan. Even if you're not. It's just a good film. SEE IT.

The Taking of Pelham 123: The original is kind of funny and goofy and totally strange in that only Walter Matthau has to deal with this hostage situation in New York City, then investigate and solve it casually on his way home from work. This remake is definitely post-9/11, the city is at a standstill during the siege, and the characters are given more depth. John Travolta gets a motive, and Denzel gets to be a flawed hero. It was good, but I hate John Travolta and even though he makes a good crazy bastard, his teeth were too white. Whatever, it's my review, I can say what I want! SNEAK IT.

Tyson: This is the understated, most-quotable movie of the summer. I think John Moses must have said "I never touched that wretched swine" about 400 times after seeing this documentary on Iron Mike, but my favorite was when he said he'd eat Don King's children. I never realized how tragic Mike Tyson's life is-- and delivered with his "it-is-what-it-is" sincerity, the film makes him a fascinating and sympathetic person. Definitely worth watching. SEE IT.

The Wrestler: My dad, who is very to-the-point, said simply of this movie "That sucked." I had hopes for it, I thought it had artistic merit, and I thought Mickey Rourke was deserving in the credit he got. That said- I was pretty much bored as shit. SNEAK IT.

Bruno: Painful to watch, but funny-- meaning exactly what you'd expect and what you paid for. SNEAK IT.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: I cried from remembering this book, even though the movie is far less emotional. And the fact that they changed and undervalued The Battle of Hogwarts was an outrage. I realize that last sentence was very nerdy. SEE IT.

The Reader: If anything could make me more depressed than Dumbledore checking out, it was this movie. Sweet Jesus! Who knew the Holocaust could get more depressing? They lure you in with all that Mrs. Robinson-teen boy lust, then hit you with some death camp horror stories. I recommend only if you love being miserable. Which I do, so that's good I guess. SKIP IT.

Sex and The City: About this movie, my dear friend Missy told me "I bawled my eyes out. Not because of Carrie or of any of that-- but because of the friendship these women had." That's why it took me so long to work up the courage to see it. Having lost our amazing friend Maggie nearly two years ago, it really hit us in a particular way- it's not about the shoes, it's about the women and their bond. It made me miss my friends. A+++++ SEE IT.

Orphan: This thriller reminded me of The Good Son (starring Macauley Culkin), but the twist at the end of this made it different and more of a "horror" movie than a "get-that-kid-in-therapy-pronto PSA." I was definitely tense watching it, it would make a good rental. SNEAK IT.

Funny People: Seeing a movie about a hard-working comic who lives on a couch with a hard-working comic who lives on a couch is fascinating, but even that can't change the fact that this movie became a different movie entirely after the first hour, and I wish it had stayed on course with the first plot. I don't know who edited that script, but-- boo. SKIP IT/SNEAK IT

Milk: I know, everyone else saw this a year ago. That said, it was still good, and Sean Penn did do a great job. But you already knew that, on account of the Oscar. SEE IT.

He's Just Not That Into You: This movie did the impossible-- it made me hate Scarlett Johannson even more than I did before I pressed "play." Don't watch it if you're anywhere near a break-up. SNEAK IT.

District 9: Definitely a unique movie. I had no idea what to expect, and can't honestly say I know what I saw. If you like alien movies with political undertones (and who doesn't!), check it out. But those "prawns" are so ugly they make it hard to eat all of your sneaky snacks. SEE IT/SNEAK IT.

Inglorious Basterds: It's like Quentin Tarantino said to himself "How can I make a really violent movie without anyone getting annoyed by all the violence? I know! I'll kill Nazis! Everyone hates them and loves to watch them die violently!" And so he did. It's definitely a good movie, and the first scene is so tense I thought my head was going to explode. SEE IT.

I Love You, Man: I had to beg John Moses to finish the DVD. It was painful to watch, and I expected it to keep getting better. But in the end, it got worse. What bride allows for a heartfelt man-love-monologue at the altar as she's getting married? Paul Rudd, you broke my heart with this one. SKIP IT.

The Unborn: A dumb horror movie that tries to seem really smart, this movie only scared me when I realized that I had lost two hours of my life that I would never get back. Poorly contrived with basically no scare-factor and starring the poor man's Megan Fox (who is the middle-class man's Angelina Jolie), there was nothing redeeming about it. SKIP IT.

That's it, for now. All the summer movies and snacks I could handle. Review your own in the comments, and... Roll credits!