Running to Stand Still

Like Billy said, put bread in my jar. Please.

It seems that I may have underestimated the significance of being unemployed.

In four days, I mark four months of unemployment. This time has flown by quickly. Alarmingly quickly. And last night, as I watched the episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia titled "Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare" that I realized something very important.(I told you I learn most of my most important lessons from TV here.) What I learned was that, simply put, I am screwed.

Like Dennis and Dee, I saw my lack of employment as a gift- I would collect unemployment and take time to figure out who I really was. I'd use that money to live while I went back to school for-- oh, who knows what! The world was my oyster. I could study to be a teacher, or a social worker, or a lion tamer or even a CSI! I always did love David Caruso, ever since Crime Story. Really, who gets such a great opportunity? To figure out their future and make a fresh start at 33?

The day I lost my job, I had called my family members and assured them, one by one, that I would be fine. I reminded them that the last time I had lost my job (in 2001) I had been in secret but serious credit card debt ($26 large- whut whut!) and that now, as an adult, I had saved as much as I could, had no debt (paid off in just three and a half brutal years all by myself!), and would work to make ends meet and collect unemployment and be FINE. JUST FINE. Then I hung up the phone, started to crap myself, and decided it would be better for everyone if I just didn't think about life for a few weeks.

Four months later, the reality of the situation is undeniable, and even I have to face it-- and I just don't face things. The fact is, you can not live on unemployment money. Those of you who are considering the life of leisure, let me just assure you of that. I can't even afford to buy bon bons to eat while I lay on my couch watching Oprah. After a horrifying budgeting session, I realized that I had more money going out in bills than I had coming in. If I had lost my job last summer, I would have had to pay $500 in health insurance bills a month, but thanks to President Obama I only have to pay $188 while New York magazine foots the bill for the rest. Haters can hate, but Barack did alright by me the day he did that.

It seems that unless starting fresh requires $0, I am in some deep doo-doo.

Recently, I have started taking on odd jobs- A Jackass of All Trades, if you will. Babysitting, gardening, errand running, whatever I can get to earn a dollar. And with those dollars I buy groceries. Store-brand, of course. Gone are the days when I strolled the aisles and picked up a jar of peanut butter without comparing prices-- JIF is for fat cats, and baby I'm just a scrawy, tawny street kitty.

And I am exhausted. I mean- I am just not cut out for hustling, unless it's hustling for the best seat on the couch, or this kind of hustle. I not only underestimated what it meant to be unemployed, it seems I've also underestimated what it means to be old.

Here's the saddest part! Oh, sad clown. Even with all of the hustling, I am still just treading water. I am, as Bono said, running to stand still.

I realize this blog is a bit more of a downer than you usually get from me (um, you did see my 9/11 post, right? This is far more cheery). The truth is though, I just wanted to give you a realistic portrayal of unemployment. It is not as awesome as I make it seem. I am not trying to fool you when I call it funemployment, I am trying to fool me.

So the next time you get annoyed on the N train and think about how the unemployed bums have the best lives ever, just remember that we don't. We sleep all day so that we don't get hungry, because we can't afford to eat! So go to your jobs, work hard, and spend some money so that we can get this economy moving again. And do it fast-- these unemployment checks are only coming for 48 more weeks.

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi4159767321/