It's Only a Quarter-Life Crisis If I Live To Be 132.

So. I'm unemployed. You may have guessed.

It would be dumb to say that I didn't see it coming. We are in the worst recession and blah blah blah-- but still, when I got that call from HR and had to walk down that long hallway-- I was in disbelief. Picture that scene in Jerry Maguire, except with more melodramatic acting on my part.

For the last ten years I've been writing advertising copy for great magazines. Great magazines. I can still say that even though I've broken up with some (like Lucky, how I still sometimes regret leaving you when things were finally so good) and some have broken my heart (like Rolling Stone, who laid me off in 2001, and New York, who did the same this past May). And somehow I got really good at it. That may sound ridiculous, but I am fully confident in my abilities as a copywriter. Even as a copy director, which sounds much more fancy. Yet at the same time, I have been waiting patiently for the axe to drop. I've wanted a fresh start, but I never would have done it on my own.

So what now. I'd like to teach, preferably high school English. It's what I have wanted for years now.

But at the same time-- and here's the rub of unemployment-- I've gotten used to not working. That happened on Day 2. As soon as I saw Maury announce that "You are NOT the father," and the sun finally came out so I could go to the beach, I lost any memory of my Working Life. And it's been that way ever since.

I am trying to find ways to make ends meet, but whether I need the mental regrouping or am just freaking lazy I don't know. I cannot motivate to make a move.

Sure-- I have applied to jobs-- jobs that in fact I really want. (I'm talking to YOU, Xaverian and Berkeley Carroll!) But the fact is, I feel like for the first time I have to figure out what I want to do with my life. I realize my peers did this when they were, oh, I don't know, 20... but I think that slow and steady wins the race. If indeed we were racing, but we're clearly not, as you've all already won. Congrats.

People keep telling me they're jealous of my life of "leisure." Jealous? Seriously? Maybe I talk a good game but there's not really leisure associated with not knowing how you're going to pay your cable bill so they won't cut you off from the next episode of True Blood. Still, let me remove any delusions of glamor for you.

Here's what I do everyday. First, I turn my alarm clock off about 6 times. Then I struggle to the kitchen and turn on the coffee. After staring into space while it brews, I contemplate going to the gym, then generally decide against it. I try to think about what I can post on Facebook to make my life sound interesting to the general public. Chances are it's raining, so I am not going to the beach. I check my bank balance and try to right any overdrafts, then actively avoid emails and calls from concerned friends and family members, then have lunch. Turkey. Always turkey. Except when money is really bad-- then it's tuna. After that it's anyone's guess. Maybe I'll go outside, maybe I'll clean my apartment for the umpteenth time (and yes, though I can barely afford to feed myself I can't bring myself to fire the twice-a-month cleaning lady) or maybe I'll try to beat my pathetic high score on Brickbreaker. After that, I kill time until it's an acceptable hour to watch bad TV, an activity so shameful I reserve it for the hours after nightfall.

There's nothing glamorous about unemployment, yet I can't seem do to anything to get myself un-unemployed.

So far, my only recession contingency plan is playing MegaMillions. I have a dollar and a dream. But only one dollar.

If you've got ideas or suggestions on how I should live the rest 30 years of my life, leave them in the comments! Then you'll have officially done more in my job search than I have.