It's Only a Quarter-Life Crisis If I Live To Be 132.

So. I'm unemployed. You may have guessed.

It would be dumb to say that I didn't see it coming. We are in the worst recession and blah blah blah-- but still, when I got that call from HR and had to walk down that long hallway-- I was in disbelief. Picture that scene in Jerry Maguire, except with more melodramatic acting on my part.

For the last ten years I've been writing advertising copy for great magazines. Great magazines. I can still say that even though I've broken up with some (like Lucky, how I still sometimes regret leaving you when things were finally so good) and some have broken my heart (like Rolling Stone, who laid me off in 2001, and New York, who did the same this past May). And somehow I got really good at it. That may sound ridiculous, but I am fully confident in my abilities as a copywriter. Even as a copy director, which sounds much more fancy. Yet at the same time, I have been waiting patiently for the axe to drop. I've wanted a fresh start, but I never would have done it on my own.

So what now. I'd like to teach, preferably high school English. It's what I have wanted for years now.

But at the same time-- and here's the rub of unemployment-- I've gotten used to not working. That happened on Day 2. As soon as I saw Maury announce that "You are NOT the father," and the sun finally came out so I could go to the beach, I lost any memory of my Working Life. And it's been that way ever since.

I am trying to find ways to make ends meet, but whether I need the mental regrouping or am just freaking lazy I don't know. I cannot motivate to make a move.

Sure-- I have applied to jobs-- jobs that in fact I really want. (I'm talking to YOU, Xaverian and Berkeley Carroll!) But the fact is, I feel like for the first time I have to figure out what I want to do with my life. I realize my peers did this when they were, oh, I don't know, 20... but I think that slow and steady wins the race. If indeed we were racing, but we're clearly not, as you've all already won. Congrats.

People keep telling me they're jealous of my life of "leisure." Jealous? Seriously? Maybe I talk a good game but there's not really leisure associated with not knowing how you're going to pay your cable bill so they won't cut you off from the next episode of True Blood. Still, let me remove any delusions of glamor for you.

Here's what I do everyday. First, I turn my alarm clock off about 6 times. Then I struggle to the kitchen and turn on the coffee. After staring into space while it brews, I contemplate going to the gym, then generally decide against it. I try to think about what I can post on Facebook to make my life sound interesting to the general public. Chances are it's raining, so I am not going to the beach. I check my bank balance and try to right any overdrafts, then actively avoid emails and calls from concerned friends and family members, then have lunch. Turkey. Always turkey. Except when money is really bad-- then it's tuna. After that it's anyone's guess. Maybe I'll go outside, maybe I'll clean my apartment for the umpteenth time (and yes, though I can barely afford to feed myself I can't bring myself to fire the twice-a-month cleaning lady) or maybe I'll try to beat my pathetic high score on Brickbreaker. After that, I kill time until it's an acceptable hour to watch bad TV, an activity so shameful I reserve it for the hours after nightfall.

There's nothing glamorous about unemployment, yet I can't seem do to anything to get myself un-unemployed.

So far, my only recession contingency plan is playing MegaMillions. I have a dollar and a dream. But only one dollar.

If you've got ideas or suggestions on how I should live the rest 30 years of my life, leave them in the comments! Then you'll have officially done more in my job search than I have.

As Seen on TV

Another night, another episode of Hoarders. This is certainly the latest gem in my DVR crown-- I'm stockpiling episodes alongside More to Love, Intervention and Top Chef: Las Vegas. My only hope is to get through it before the next season of The Biggest Loser starts.

I guess I am supposed to feel guilty about that--about how much money my parents spent on my private school education and how they struggled to send me to college so that I could have more opportunities than they did. But here's the thing: I can't fight what I like. And boy, I have tried. I denied myself the first season of Rock of Love. And it's not like I'm watching Kim and Khloe Take Miami.

The fact is, a lot of what I watch has to do with who I am. My boyfriend John said once that my DVR is filled with shows about food, losing weight or addiction. I think that's what he said- I was knee deep in True Life: Return to Fat Camp.

Let's take a look at my must-see TV. There's the weight loss/fatty shows, like More to Love, The Biggest Loser and Dance Your Ass Off. In fairness, DYAO only held my attention for a week or two (those outfits-- it seemed exploitative!). But the truth is, I've lost upwards of 65lbs since college. I've maintained a weight loss since 2004, and I weigh less now than I did in the 6th grade. Yes, it's true. More than twenty pounds less, and I have much better hair. So I heavily (ahem) identify with these shows.

Ditto Intervention and Celebrity Rehab. I have not had a drink since June 4, 2006, and I know how hard it can be, so I find it fascinating to watch. When I can't give myself credit, I can see how hard it actually is for other people and think- wow, I did that too. Go me.

Hoarders, I mean, that shit is just fascinating. It's insanity. But I did develop more than $26,000 in credit card debt at one point in my life, hiding massive piles of bills in a Ziploc in a drawer, and then paid it off penny by painful penny. And to accumulate that much debt I mean-- that's insanity right there. So I get it.

I watch the Real World because I was a drunken moron in college (though without the washboard abs or bisexual curiosity), The Office because my life was a Dilbert cartoon until I got laid off in May, and Mad Men because while I actually was Peggy Olson (she's even from Bay Ridge!), I really want to be Joan Holloway.

Basically, I watch TV because I am a total narcissist. And now, I've started a blog.