Things You Need When You're Funemployed

It's tough out there-- don't let the "falling unemployment claims" that our slick-haired politicians are touting fool you. What that means is that people are timing out of their unemployment benefits-- they've been unemployed so long that they're not able to claim any more. Look at me- I've been out of work 10.5 months already. Tempus fugit- or in my case, tempus fukkit--that's Latin for "time fucks you over." Americans everywhere are still losing their jobs-- but don't worry. When your boss drags to you HR kicking and screaming to hand you that delicate pink slip that's simultaneously the key to your personal freedom and your financial dependency, there's only one thing you can do. Ok- fine--AFTER you have a drink. Or ten. Whatever- I get it, do that first, and then get ready to do The Second Thing: consult my list of the must-have items that are essential for your pending unemployment.

Take it from me, someone who has been there and is, in fact, still there: it can be traumatic, and you kind of forget everything the HR people tell you on your way out the door, so it's best to have someone recap. And that's why I am here. And also, I know much more than they do about the real essentials of unemployment.

Not going to lose your job? Lucky you. But you can still help your unemployed friends out by getting them items on the list. And buy them a drink, you cheap, employed a-hole.

Things You Need When You're Funemployed

1. This website: https://ui.labor.state.ny.us/UBC/home.do

2. A notebook to write down jobs leads, phone numbers and important health insurance mumbo jumbo. Keep it solely dedicated to your job search, so you know where EVERYTHING is. I recommend stealing it from your former employer on the way out the door. They owe you. (*Addendum: If you can, SOME might recommend also hawking tape, a stapler, folders, scissors, a 3-hole punch and a lable-maker. But I can't say for sure that I am the one recommending that. Or that's what my lawyers told me.)

3. Cable TV, or access to the Maury Povich Show

4. Rich friends who offer free dinner

5. A bathing suit and SPF, if it's May-September

6. Wireless internet- job searching without it is a horrific nightmare from which you might never wake

7. Gift certificates for manicures and pedicures. No one should have to choose.

8. A gym membership. On days when we feel like sleeping in has lost its luster, it's good to go, work out and feel productive, and like we actually earned our afternoon nap.

9. Coupon cards for your local supermarket. Never signed up for your Pathmark card? Get it. And for those of you who go to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods... you better sign up for a Pathmark card, too. Couture grocery shopping is a luxury of the community of the gainfully employed- of which you are no longer a member.

10. An account on the networking site of your choice. No, not Facebook you tool-friend me, by the way, if you didn't already!- I am talking about LinkedIn or whatever you use in your specific industry.

11. A social plan: you'll be surprised at just how quickly you get isolated without a job to go to every day. Who will you discuss the latest episode of Gossip Girl with, if not your cube-neighbor? Ah, I miss you Annie an Derrica. Join a club, make a friend, volunteer- you need things to keep you actively speaking.

12. A Facebook profile. It fills the void of actual human interaction when the "social plan" falls apart.

13. Comfortable lounge clothes that can also double as outside clothes. I recommend yoga pants and have three pairs- my workout yoga pants, my lounge yoga pants and my dress-up yoga pants.

14. A sad voice. Use it to call your cable and phone company, explain that you've lost your job and that you need your bill reduced. I got Time Warner to reduce mine by $60 a month AND give me free Showtime, just because I tried. They're just waiting for your call. Oh, and for you to threaten to switch to Fios.

15. Friends. There are lots of ups and downs, emotionally and financially... you'll be fine one minute and the next you'll realize that you can't afford a cup of coffee.

At the end of the day, you just have to remember that this is temporary. And it's an opportunity. I am back in school and changing careers-- that never would have happened if I was still making bank. Now, I am painfully poor and happy. I slept til noon today! and now I am going to work out and do some homework for class, then go meet some friends. There is opportunity here. And if you can't fight it, you might as well enjoy it until it's over. Right?